PE has always been creative in the manner in which he stores and disposes of random items used in the typical aging superhero day. This has already been chronicled in the adventures entitled "The Toothpick Trail", and "Will it Flush".
As of late, being always in need of throwaway individual snout scraper utility entities(tissue for short), and possessing a new wardrobe lacking in shirt pockets, PE has taken to storing his extra throwaway individual snout scraper utility entities under his cap. This leads to an avalanche of small white fluttering things every time he removes said cap. PE has searched in vain for alternative modes of storage, but lacking shirt pockets, and having his pants pockets crammed with various and sundry aging superhero devices(one does the best one can when denied one's superhero utility belt), he has seen no other sensible solution.
What has frustrated MSG no end, however, is the manner in which PE is fond of disposing of the aforementioned throwaway individual snout scraper utility entities. It appears that in a former life, on his home planet(yes, Alterno World is not his home) such throwaway individual snout scraper utility entities were made of self destructing material. Therefore, disposing of throwaway individual snout scraper utility entities was merely a matter of tossing them in the air and watching them disintegrate before reaching the ground. Throwaway individual snout scraper utility entities had been perfected to such a state that if not used by their sell by date, they evaporated, package and all.
Unfortunately for both MSG and PE, the throwaway individual snout scraper utility entities are not as advanced in Alterno World. In fact, there are serious fees and penalties assessed for throwing away throwaway individual snout scraper utility entities in any manner accept the officially sanctioned collecting receptacles. MSG has offered much exhortation and counsel to PE regarding this matter. But an aging superhero's habits are firmly entrenched. . .
And so, one fine spring day in Alterno World, PE and MSG set out for a short jaunt to town to purchase some aging superhero snacks from the local aging superhero snack center. PE declined to accompany MSG inside, choosing instead to remain behind in the superhero/ess transport device. As MSG finished her purchases and approached the superhero/ess transport device, she noted something small and white laying upon the ground just below the window. As she drew closer, she was horrified to realize that PE had resorted to his old behavior and had, whilst she was purchasing the snacks, chosen to dispose of a throwaway individual snout scraper utility entity in an completely unsanctioned manner. MSG rushed to the transport device, hurled the snacks into the storage compartment, and quickly removed the offending throwaway individual snout scraper utility entity from the ground. (Fortunately for PE and MSG, the throwaway individual snout scraper utility entity appropriate disposal squad was sweeping the far side of the perimeter and had not noticed the offense.) The offending throwaway individual snout scraper utility entity was quickly and appropriately disposed of in an officially sanctioned collecting receptacle.
As they drove away from the scene of averted catastrophe, MSG mused, "that was a close one!"
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
The Prestige
The Pledge--Are you watching closely?
Back in the day, PE was an accomplished prestodigitationist. This was before his life as a crime fighter, but after serving on the CCC(Civilian Conservation Corp) in Alterno World. Actually, it was during this point in the evolution of an aging superhero that he and Magnet Strip Girl had their first gig together. It was a time painfully burned in MSG's brain, had something to do with her bunny disappearing to her horror, and has required much superheroess therapy to "work through".
The Turn
Fast forward to today. PE spent an extremely quiet day curiously busy and alone in his modestly but comfortably furnished aging superhero bachelor pad. This should have been noteworthy to MSG, but she was herself busily engaged in whittling down the mountain of correspondence that an aging superhero's companion and personal secretary must handle, and welcomed the time alone. Reader, please take note here. Aging superheroes/esses and children must always be considered suspect when they are extremely quiet and curiously busy. At those times, one can guarantee that, in the words of that famous renaissance man and crimefighter, Sherlock Holmes, "something is afoot!"
And so it happened to MSG. After hours of happy solitude, PE called to her out of his modestly but comfortably furnished aging superhero bachelor pad, and asked her to help him find his wooden linear walking assistance implement. MSG rose to the challenge. This task should have been simple enough, after all, PE had spent the better part of the day in his modestly but comfortably furnished aging superhero bachelor pad,with only a few side trips to the adjoining room that held the porcelain convenience bowl. PE sat smugly in his comfortable chair and watched MSG look on the floor by the chair, in the closet, under the bed, under the bed clothes, in short, all over his modestly but comfortably furnished aging superhero bachelor pad to no avail!! The wooden linear walking assistance implement was nowhere to be found. MSG was confounded. She flew to the adjoining room that held the porcelain convenience bowl--no wooden linear walking assistance implement, the living room--no wooden linear walking assistance implement, the kitchen--no wooden linear walking assistance implement. MSG was at her considerable wit's considerable end. Visions of the horrific bunny disappearance evaporated years of superheroess therapy. She was beginning to hyperventilate.
The Prestige
PE innocently smiled. "Did you check the back of the door to the adjoining room that holds the porcelain convenience bowl?"
MSG raced to the aforementioned place, opened the door, and voila! There hung the wooden linear walking assistance implement. PE had done it again.
Note: No wooden linear walking assistance implements or rabbits were harmed in the making of this episode, although MSG was tempted to apply the wooden linear walking assistance implement to PE's aging superhero reflective orbital pate.
Back in the day, PE was an accomplished prestodigitationist. This was before his life as a crime fighter, but after serving on the CCC(Civilian Conservation Corp) in Alterno World. Actually, it was during this point in the evolution of an aging superhero that he and Magnet Strip Girl had their first gig together. It was a time painfully burned in MSG's brain, had something to do with her bunny disappearing to her horror, and has required much superheroess therapy to "work through".
The Turn
Fast forward to today. PE spent an extremely quiet day curiously busy and alone in his modestly but comfortably furnished aging superhero bachelor pad. This should have been noteworthy to MSG, but she was herself busily engaged in whittling down the mountain of correspondence that an aging superhero's companion and personal secretary must handle, and welcomed the time alone. Reader, please take note here. Aging superheroes/esses and children must always be considered suspect when they are extremely quiet and curiously busy. At those times, one can guarantee that, in the words of that famous renaissance man and crimefighter, Sherlock Holmes, "something is afoot!"
And so it happened to MSG. After hours of happy solitude, PE called to her out of his modestly but comfortably furnished aging superhero bachelor pad, and asked her to help him find his wooden linear walking assistance implement. MSG rose to the challenge. This task should have been simple enough, after all, PE had spent the better part of the day in his modestly but comfortably furnished aging superhero bachelor pad,with only a few side trips to the adjoining room that held the porcelain convenience bowl. PE sat smugly in his comfortable chair and watched MSG look on the floor by the chair, in the closet, under the bed, under the bed clothes, in short, all over his modestly but comfortably furnished aging superhero bachelor pad to no avail!! The wooden linear walking assistance implement was nowhere to be found. MSG was confounded. She flew to the adjoining room that held the porcelain convenience bowl--no wooden linear walking assistance implement, the living room--no wooden linear walking assistance implement, the kitchen--no wooden linear walking assistance implement. MSG was at her considerable wit's considerable end. Visions of the horrific bunny disappearance evaporated years of superheroess therapy. She was beginning to hyperventilate.
The Prestige
PE innocently smiled. "Did you check the back of the door to the adjoining room that holds the porcelain convenience bowl?"
MSG raced to the aforementioned place, opened the door, and voila! There hung the wooden linear walking assistance implement. PE had done it again.
Note: No wooden linear walking assistance implements or rabbits were harmed in the making of this episode, although MSG was tempted to apply the wooden linear walking assistance implement to PE's aging superhero reflective orbital pate.
What's in Your Closet?
The outing of closet superheroes/esses is a cause Magnet Strip Girl has long championed. Well, at least as long as she herself has been "out". MSG comes from a generation on Alterno World that is heavy in angst ridden superheroes/esses that for whatever reason have chosen to live their life in denial of their superpowers and calling. And so, once she had made her own personal leap out of the closet, it was natural for her to encourage other late blooming superhero/esses to do likewise.
Thus, Magnet Strip Girl was not surprised to receive a call recently from another heretofore lbs (who goes by the name iPodite--ryhmes with Aphrodite). As the reader may easily guess, iPodite is a goddess extremely fluent in things iPodly. But I digress.
The phone call of note reached MSG whilst in the midst of carting PE to yet another appointment at the ASAP(aging superhero/es administration place, not to be confused with the phrase "as soon as possible"). Since Magnet Strip Girl takes road safety seriously, she pulled onto a safe parking area and turned off the engine of her superheroess transport machine as she said "hello?" PE, exhausted from his aging superhero physical therapy session nodded quietly as he catnapped beside her.
On the end of the line, or rather thinking she was at the end of her line, was the afore introduced iPodite. iPodite was in a panic, concerned that her first mission of mercy went well. (MSG is also a superhero/es counselor-at-large, well skilled in encouraging late blooming superhero/esses to take that first step into superhero/es-dom). MSG asked her usual opening question, "is it secret, is it safe?", referring of course to iPodite's secret identity. Revelation of one's secret identity whilst caught up in the adrenaline surge of one's first assignment has gotten many an lbs off to a bad start in the realm of fighting crime in Alterno World. iPodite assured MSG that her secret identity(cubicled high profile mega employee company semi-technogeek) was indeed still secret and safe. As iPodite recounted her first brief out of the closet assignment as an late blooming superhero/esses it became clear to MSG that Alterno World was indeed in safe hands.
"Another one out of the closet". MSG smiled as she hung up her phone and cautiously pulled the superhero/ess transport machine back onto the road.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Too Small, Too Big, and Just Right
or...PE and Magnet Strip Girl Meet LaZBoy
So I take PE to the local furniture store to find the right size recliner for him. The store is in an old multi-level building downtown. Back in the day it was a hotel. The recliners are all in the basement, so PE has to walk the entire width of the store to get to the freight elevator, which turns out to be 4 years older than he is(1914). Had a big down button and a big up button and a big open/close door button, and the manual collapsible latticy door thingy on the inside. (I'm talking about the elevator, folks!)
PE tries on one chair, it's too small(the seat is not wide/deep enough), another chair that's too big, and one that is almost right. I(Magnet Strip Girl) decide for these prices(we're talking La-Z-Boy) we should think this over. As we are leaving the recliner room and walking across another showroom, I stop at a HUMONGOID easy chair. This thing measures 40" across the overly stuffed arms. But it is comfy, it does not rock, it is sturdy, the seat and arms are high enough that it is reasonably easy for PE to sit down in and get out of, AND....it turns out to be a La-Z-Boy recliner, floor sample, ON SALE!!!!!! They delivered it the same day for a small sum, and now I hafta use food to coax PE out of his bedroom. He has a heater, a bed, a tv, a digital picture frame, an atomic clock radio, his DVDs, and a very comfy chair. (The Professor is jealous, HE doesn't have an easy chair. He sits on the couch!)
So I take PE to the local furniture store to find the right size recliner for him. The store is in an old multi-level building downtown. Back in the day it was a hotel. The recliners are all in the basement, so PE has to walk the entire width of the store to get to the freight elevator, which turns out to be 4 years older than he is(1914). Had a big down button and a big up button and a big open/close door button, and the manual collapsible latticy door thingy on the inside. (I'm talking about the elevator, folks!)
PE tries on one chair, it's too small(the seat is not wide/deep enough), another chair that's too big, and one that is almost right. I(Magnet Strip Girl) decide for these prices(we're talking La-Z-Boy) we should think this over. As we are leaving the recliner room and walking across another showroom, I stop at a HUMONGOID easy chair. This thing measures 40" across the overly stuffed arms. But it is comfy, it does not rock, it is sturdy, the seat and arms are high enough that it is reasonably easy for PE to sit down in and get out of, AND....it turns out to be a La-Z-Boy recliner, floor sample, ON SALE!!!!!! They delivered it the same day for a small sum, and now I hafta use food to coax PE out of his bedroom. He has a heater, a bed, a tv, a digital picture frame, an atomic clock radio, his DVDs, and a very comfy chair. (The Professor is jealous, HE doesn't have an easy chair. He sits on the couch!)
No Chalk Outlines
PE was VERY excited to receive a big box in the mail containing all his DVDs from home. (THANK YOU, WH!!) He revelled in unpacking each and every one. Sorta reminded me of Scrooge McDuck (in the old Walt Disney comics) revelling in his stash of coins, only Scrooge's stash was in a swimming pool that he loved to dive into. (Sorry, I digress. ) After stacking the DVDs carefully at just the right height, and in numerical order, the next thing on the agenda was to secure a light so PE could read the numbers. Personally, I am convinced he knows them by feel, but he insisted he needed a light like his setup at home. The installation was not as easy as it should have been, but then it was doomed at the start by giving two stubborn firstborns a task and expecting them to agree on the right way to perform it! But as you can see from the picture, somehow we muddled through without any chalk outlines on the floor.
How Magnet Strip Girl Was Born
I got this sweet deal on a winter jacket last fall at a London Fog outlet store here. I've been wearing it off and on for a few months and love it. Wore it on our trip down to NC and back after Christmas. Today I walk into the local Eckerd's and their alarm goes off. I found that curious. It beeped when I left, too. This afternoon I walked into the Post Office to mail a letter for PE, and their alarm went off. This time I had nothing with me but my jacket and some kleenex and change from the mailing. I apologized to the attendant(a very hip, wisecracking lady) and took off my jacket to investigate what could possibly be making me beep. Lo and behold, there was a small tag the same color as the jacket lining that read "please remove after purchase". I have a mind to leave it there and offer my services to test theft alarms at the local stores. Can't tell ya how many times I've been in and out of Walmart and it never phased their system......
Evil Alter Ego
Jack Bauer Comes to the Rescue
Along with the DVD shipment from PE's Blockbuster, PE received a smart set clock radio and the charger for his cell phone. Smart set means the clock radio is smarter than you, because it sets the alarm itself and then goes off at interesting times. Just when you think you have the durn alarm turned off, the radio comes on! I have pushed every conceivable button thingy on the gizmo, and turned every volume dial off. But each morning(and perhaps throughout the night--PE says he doesn't hear it) the alarm rings. PE claims he has not set the alarm. Hmmmmm....
After much consternation and consideration, MSG has decided that PE has an evil twin alter ego who appears at night when all is dark and resets the alarm. MSG is too busy watching reruns of "24"(isn't Kiefer Sutherland a cutie?) to note the comings and goings of the shadowy alter ego. But hark!!! an idea appears out of the fog. What MSG needs is to consult with a higher power, and what higher power could there be (with regard to tech stuff) than Jack Bauer himself?! Heck, if he can't figger out the alarm, he can blast it away with something from his Halliburton case weapons arsenal.
Along with the DVD shipment from PE's Blockbuster, PE received a smart set clock radio and the charger for his cell phone. Smart set means the clock radio is smarter than you, because it sets the alarm itself and then goes off at interesting times. Just when you think you have the durn alarm turned off, the radio comes on! I have pushed every conceivable button thingy on the gizmo, and turned every volume dial off. But each morning(and perhaps throughout the night--PE says he doesn't hear it) the alarm rings. PE claims he has not set the alarm. Hmmmmm....
After much consternation and consideration, MSG has decided that PE has an evil twin alter ego who appears at night when all is dark and resets the alarm. MSG is too busy watching reruns of "24"(isn't Kiefer Sutherland a cutie?) to note the comings and goings of the shadowy alter ego. But hark!!! an idea appears out of the fog. What MSG needs is to consult with a higher power, and what higher power could there be (with regard to tech stuff) than Jack Bauer himself?! Heck, if he can't figger out the alarm, he can blast it away with something from his Halliburton case weapons arsenal.
The Professor
As The Professor(aka Garey, or Jerry as PE is fond of calling him) and Magnet Strip Girl were leaving for an evening out recently, PE asked for a pair of pliers. To MSG's shock and horror, the Professor, unaware of the protocol for dispensing tools to PE(certified letter of need from a physician), cheerily handed the pliers to PE. MSG rushed into the modestly furnished bachelor pad that PE called home to verify that PE was not engaged in activity that required the use of flammable or explosive materials. She was relieved to note that the intended use for the offending tool was to remove a loose screw in a negligible piece of wood. On second thought, MSG requested PE save the screw, as MSG thought it might come in handy the next time she discovered a screw loose......
Plethora of Plaid
PE must have thought he was going to FL for Christmas when he packed for his trip to the frozen north because all he brought with him was short sleeve shirts. Magnet Strip Girl, ever eager to spend money(anyone's money), accompanied PE on an early trip to that haberdasher to the stars, that paragon of value AND style, Walmart. While perusing the plethora of plaid shirts, PE suggested we take a side trip to the electronics department--he needed to find a switch. After further questioning it was ascertained that PE needed a switch to put on his phone charger cord because the line was always "hot"(plugged in for those not initiated into the wonders of electrician's jargon). Magnet Strip Girl assured PE that a switch was unnecessary, though, on second thought, if Jack Bauer doesn't come through with the ultimate solution for the smart set alarm, she might have to reconsider...
Reach Out and Touch
An homage to Ma Bell
Magnet Strip Girl noted an unexplained spike in PE's recent cell phone bill. Could PE be conferencing with world leaders to end the spam email problem?(side note--MSG is beside herself trying to understand why so many strangers think she is interested in increasing the size of a body part she does not have. Why else would she receive so many emails offering products to accomplish that very thing? Perhaps the emails should be going to Magnet Strip Guy, though at this time in Alterno World, MSG is unaware of that counterpart.)
One morning while engaged in important tasks at her computer(watching episodes of "Heroes" she had missed), MSG received a phone call. Thinking that perhaps the email spammers wanting to enlarge that body part she did not have had evolved to telephone solicitation, MSG answered the phone with a cautious hello. The voice on the other end of the line was unmistakeable. It was PE, calling from his newly acquired easy chair in his modestly furnished bachelor pad down the hall. He was having difficulty turning on the tv to watch Elizabeth Taylor in "Elephant Walk". (another side note--MSG is unsure at this point whether PE is enamored of Liz or just enjoys watching the elephants smash everything up. Or--is there something deeper...has PE been hired by Jack Bauer to screen old movies for hidden terrorist code?????)
For now, the upsurge in cell phone activity appears to be explained by PE "reaching out and touching" MSG. Gotta love old Ma Bell commercial jingles.
Magnet Strip Girl noted an unexplained spike in PE's recent cell phone bill. Could PE be conferencing with world leaders to end the spam email problem?(side note--MSG is beside herself trying to understand why so many strangers think she is interested in increasing the size of a body part she does not have. Why else would she receive so many emails offering products to accomplish that very thing? Perhaps the emails should be going to Magnet Strip Guy, though at this time in Alterno World, MSG is unaware of that counterpart.)
One morning while engaged in important tasks at her computer(watching episodes of "Heroes" she had missed), MSG received a phone call. Thinking that perhaps the email spammers wanting to enlarge that body part she did not have had evolved to telephone solicitation, MSG answered the phone with a cautious hello. The voice on the other end of the line was unmistakeable. It was PE, calling from his newly acquired easy chair in his modestly furnished bachelor pad down the hall. He was having difficulty turning on the tv to watch Elizabeth Taylor in "Elephant Walk". (another side note--MSG is unsure at this point whether PE is enamored of Liz or just enjoys watching the elephants smash everything up. Or--is there something deeper...has PE been hired by Jack Bauer to screen old movies for hidden terrorist code?????)
For now, the upsurge in cell phone activity appears to be explained by PE "reaching out and touching" MSG. Gotta love old Ma Bell commercial jingles.
Move Over Madame Curie
We have all smelled them coming...those ladies of a certain age who announce their presence by their perfume shouting into the room before they arrive. Magnet Strip Girl, being less girl each day, has feared the metamorphosis into that type of geriatric superhero. But yesterday she discovered a secret that will forever change the fears lying dormant in the hearts of little girls, and the solution to an age old mystery.
While preparing to accompany PE on a matter of world security(buying more pj bottoms from Walmart), Magnet Strip Girl found herself uncharacteristically reaching for an obnoxious perfume that was lurking on the edges of her vanity. She was thinking, "I feel I am losing my identity in PE's unique, naturally-unmodified-by-scrupulous-daily-ablutions scent. Perhaps this will cover it up." And Eureka!! MSG joined the ranks of such paragons of female virtue as Marie Curie, Amelia Earhardt, and the mother of the Monkee band member who patented "white out." In a flash, it was clear. Women of a certain age do not wear profuse amounts of perfume because their olfactory senses have died...they do it to mask the odor of the men of a certain age with whom they hang.
(Magnet Strip Girl is now keeping her phone lines open in case the judges of the Nobel prize come calling.)
While preparing to accompany PE on a matter of world security(buying more pj bottoms from Walmart), Magnet Strip Girl found herself uncharacteristically reaching for an obnoxious perfume that was lurking on the edges of her vanity. She was thinking, "I feel I am losing my identity in PE's unique, naturally-unmodified-by-scrupulous-daily-ablutions scent. Perhaps this will cover it up." And Eureka!! MSG joined the ranks of such paragons of female virtue as Marie Curie, Amelia Earhardt, and the mother of the Monkee band member who patented "white out." In a flash, it was clear. Women of a certain age do not wear profuse amounts of perfume because their olfactory senses have died...they do it to mask the odor of the men of a certain age with whom they hang.
(Magnet Strip Girl is now keeping her phone lines open in case the judges of the Nobel prize come calling.)
Toothpick Trail
Superheroes all have signature accessories. The Lone Ranger has his silver bullet, Superman has his cape, Zorro has his sword, Wonder Woman has her whip. (hmmmmmm, Wonder Woman is kind of kinky isn't she??) But if they fall into the wrong hands, superhero accessories can lead to the discovery of their possessor's secret identities. Dundundah!
PE's superhero accessory has always been the toothpick. (Rumor has it that his was a difficult birth because he was born with one in his mouth.) The pressure of being a superhero sooner or later takes a toll on one's vigilance. In the beginning PE would leave a toothpick at the scene of some catastrophe he had helped the denizens of Alterno World avoid. But lately, PE has become more indiscriminate in where he leaves them, AND picks them up. (Being a scrupulously frugal superhero, PE long ago quit whittling his own toothpicks from flotsam found on the scene of his latest triuimph, instead choosing to ceremoniously pick several up each time he frequents local restaurants, which is frequently.) Magnet Strip Girl became aware of this one day when she discovered PE was leaving a trail of toothpicks everywhere he went. She sprang into action and immediately joined Alterno World's Caretakers of Aging Superheroes Support Group, who meet on the internet to carefully guard anonymity and offer problem solving for scenarios not discussed in your typical superhero school.
Now MSG's main responsibility of the day is to 1)pick up PE's trail of accidental superhero accessory droppings, and 2)place her body between the toothpick dispenser and the security camera when PE "goes for the toothpick". These are daunting tasks, but Magnet Strip Girl understands the importance of guarding PE's secret identity. Who knows when Jack Bauer will call upon him for backup to save the world???????
PE's superhero accessory has always been the toothpick. (Rumor has it that his was a difficult birth because he was born with one in his mouth.) The pressure of being a superhero sooner or later takes a toll on one's vigilance. In the beginning PE would leave a toothpick at the scene of some catastrophe he had helped the denizens of Alterno World avoid. But lately, PE has become more indiscriminate in where he leaves them, AND picks them up. (Being a scrupulously frugal superhero, PE long ago quit whittling his own toothpicks from flotsam found on the scene of his latest triuimph, instead choosing to ceremoniously pick several up each time he frequents local restaurants, which is frequently.) Magnet Strip Girl became aware of this one day when she discovered PE was leaving a trail of toothpicks everywhere he went. She sprang into action and immediately joined Alterno World's Caretakers of Aging Superheroes Support Group, who meet on the internet to carefully guard anonymity and offer problem solving for scenarios not discussed in your typical superhero school.
Now MSG's main responsibility of the day is to 1)pick up PE's trail of accidental superhero accessory droppings, and 2)place her body between the toothpick dispenser and the security camera when PE "goes for the toothpick". These are daunting tasks, but Magnet Strip Girl understands the importance of guarding PE's secret identity. Who knows when Jack Bauer will call upon him for backup to save the world???????
The Big Squeeze
PE complained the other day that his dress superhero costume was too big and needed to be altered. Magnet Strip Girl raced into action and plopped PE on the scale to determine if he had actually lost weight or was having delusions of grandeur again. ("delusions of grandeur" is a common mental condition of aging superheroes.)
Lo and behold, PE HAD lost weight! 19 pounds to be exact, in the last 7 weeks. Magnet Strip Girl was at a loss(no pun intended) to explain this as PE's daily meal usually includes a generous portion from the french fry food group. (MSG has tried on several occasions to change this at least to mashed potatotes, but PE is resolute.)
Then, one night in the midst of a hot and heavy "go fish" card game, PE revealed his weight loss secret. He asked if Magnet Strip Girl had a vibrator. MSG was taken aback for a moment thinking 1)that is a personal question for a female superheroess, and 2)what on earth did PE have in mind to do with such a device? So she asked. PE responded that it would help him vibrate away the excess drooping six pack he has developed. (MSG wondered what home shopping network item Suzanne Somers was hawking and how PE had stumbled on that channel). PE went on to say that he has tried squeezing the excess, and that helps, but is not as efficacious as a vibrator.
MSG concluded that rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically is ALSO good for working those abs. Suzanne Somers, look out! MSG and PE are going on the road with this fascinating new weight loss regimen.
Lo and behold, PE HAD lost weight! 19 pounds to be exact, in the last 7 weeks. Magnet Strip Girl was at a loss(no pun intended) to explain this as PE's daily meal usually includes a generous portion from the french fry food group. (MSG has tried on several occasions to change this at least to mashed potatotes, but PE is resolute.)
Then, one night in the midst of a hot and heavy "go fish" card game, PE revealed his weight loss secret. He asked if Magnet Strip Girl had a vibrator. MSG was taken aback for a moment thinking 1)that is a personal question for a female superheroess, and 2)what on earth did PE have in mind to do with such a device? So she asked. PE responded that it would help him vibrate away the excess drooping six pack he has developed. (MSG wondered what home shopping network item Suzanne Somers was hawking and how PE had stumbled on that channel). PE went on to say that he has tried squeezing the excess, and that helps, but is not as efficacious as a vibrator.
MSG concluded that rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically is ALSO good for working those abs. Suzanne Somers, look out! MSG and PE are going on the road with this fascinating new weight loss regimen.
52 Days
(Look Out Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler!)
It was bound to happen. Hollywood, finding the twin sirens of remake and boxoffice superhero star power irresistable, came knocking recently at PE's door. Imagine: the premise of the film "52 Dates" reworked as "52 Days", the story of two retired superheroes finding love, only to lose it every night because of the effects of too many assaults by the memory numbing gamma rays of evil genius and arch enemy Dr Lodgea Dementia. PE was immediately dismissive of the idea. After all, he and his current amour, Birdwoman, were separated(by planetary dimension and intent). But the more he pondered the proposition, the more PE progressed toward positivity by the prospect of being united with Birdwoman. Of course, there was the usual stumblingblock to true love--family rivalries. But since PE lives in Alterno World that was nothing to stop him, and he immediately shuffled into action.
First, he contacted the film agent and negotiated a contract that included TV syndication rights and a lifetime supply of Blue Bell ice cream and toothpicks. Next, he boarded a nonstop bus to Birdwoman's nest. (In the heights of his prowess as a superhero he would have flown. But now in the post 911 Alterno World, he had problems passing airport security checkpoints. Security would not allow his superhero utility belt on board. And he had found even his anti villain pheromone spray that lulled victims into perceiving him as a harmless, cute little old man ineffective.)
At one minute PE was seated on the bus, humming a Glen Miller tune and blowing his nose(yes, superheroes can hum and blow at the same time) when the unimaginable happened.... he found himself waking from a nap in his oversized chair in his comfortably appointed bachelor pad, the end credits to "Elephant Walk" rolling on his TV screen. It had all been a dream....or had it? (to be continued)
It was bound to happen. Hollywood, finding the twin sirens of remake and boxoffice superhero star power irresistable, came knocking recently at PE's door. Imagine: the premise of the film "52 Dates" reworked as "52 Days", the story of two retired superheroes finding love, only to lose it every night because of the effects of too many assaults by the memory numbing gamma rays of evil genius and arch enemy Dr Lodgea Dementia. PE was immediately dismissive of the idea. After all, he and his current amour, Birdwoman, were separated(by planetary dimension and intent). But the more he pondered the proposition, the more PE progressed toward positivity by the prospect of being united with Birdwoman. Of course, there was the usual stumblingblock to true love--family rivalries. But since PE lives in Alterno World that was nothing to stop him, and he immediately shuffled into action.
First, he contacted the film agent and negotiated a contract that included TV syndication rights and a lifetime supply of Blue Bell ice cream and toothpicks. Next, he boarded a nonstop bus to Birdwoman's nest. (In the heights of his prowess as a superhero he would have flown. But now in the post 911 Alterno World, he had problems passing airport security checkpoints. Security would not allow his superhero utility belt on board. And he had found even his anti villain pheromone spray that lulled victims into perceiving him as a harmless, cute little old man ineffective.)
At one minute PE was seated on the bus, humming a Glen Miller tune and blowing his nose(yes, superheroes can hum and blow at the same time) when the unimaginable happened.... he found himself waking from a nap in his oversized chair in his comfortably appointed bachelor pad, the end credits to "Elephant Walk" rolling on his TV screen. It had all been a dream....or had it? (to be continued)
Will it Flush?
(Being an Homage to David Letterman's "Will it Float?")
Since PE moved into her modest superheroess accommodations, MSG has become accustomed to small mysteries not attributable to her own magnetic gifts occurring on a regular basis. It must have something to do with PE's superhero magnetic field strenghthened over the years by too many flights around Alterno World and sitting too close to his tv. MSG's particular prowess at puzzle solution has been developed from following the classic writings of Carolyn Keene in the Nancy Drew mysteries and deciphering remote control operation for PE.
Because MSG laughs in the face of many puzzles that tax the minds of such greats as Einstein, the aforementioned Hitchcock, the genius who invented the upside down ketchup/catsup bottle, and the great William Clinton(who is still conjugating the verb "is" for answers to its mysterious meaning), she was caught up short recently to find something floating in the great white porcelain superhero/ess convenience bowl. MSG found herself starring in amazement at the object floating on the water (which is an example of supreme bodily function control as the aging body part that had brought her to this contemplative situation was making a supreme demand at that moment). She thought as she starred, "is that...a toothpick? and what is a toothpick doing in the great white porcelain superhero/ess convenience bowl?"
By this time the bodily function control of the aging body part that had brought her to this contemplative situation was losing ground and she had to assume a sitting position. But the gray matter continued to process. Then, all of a sudden, like Archimedes of old, MSG shouted, "Eureka!". PE, still prone to experiment after all these years, had dropped the toothpick in the great white porcelain superhero/ess convenience bowl in order to discover if the swirling water would carry away the fragile wooden implement, thus inventing the game of "Will it flush?".
(Fans will be relieved to know that unlike Archimedes of old, MSG demurred to run naked through Alterno World. )
Since PE moved into her modest superheroess accommodations, MSG has become accustomed to small mysteries not attributable to her own magnetic gifts occurring on a regular basis. It must have something to do with PE's superhero magnetic field strenghthened over the years by too many flights around Alterno World and sitting too close to his tv. MSG's particular prowess at puzzle solution has been developed from following the classic writings of Carolyn Keene in the Nancy Drew mysteries and deciphering remote control operation for PE.
Because MSG laughs in the face of many puzzles that tax the minds of such greats as Einstein, the aforementioned Hitchcock, the genius who invented the upside down ketchup/catsup bottle, and the great William Clinton(who is still conjugating the verb "is" for answers to its mysterious meaning), she was caught up short recently to find something floating in the great white porcelain superhero/ess convenience bowl. MSG found herself starring in amazement at the object floating on the water (which is an example of supreme bodily function control as the aging body part that had brought her to this contemplative situation was making a supreme demand at that moment). She thought as she starred, "is that...a toothpick? and what is a toothpick doing in the great white porcelain superhero/ess convenience bowl?"
By this time the bodily function control of the aging body part that had brought her to this contemplative situation was losing ground and she had to assume a sitting position. But the gray matter continued to process. Then, all of a sudden, like Archimedes of old, MSG shouted, "Eureka!". PE, still prone to experiment after all these years, had dropped the toothpick in the great white porcelain superhero/ess convenience bowl in order to discover if the swirling water would carry away the fragile wooden implement, thus inventing the game of "Will it flush?".
(Fans will be relieved to know that unlike Archimedes of old, MSG demurred to run naked through Alterno World. )
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